Dear Pastor Frank, I realized that I am gay already in high school, but I came out in college during my freshman year. I’m rooming with a student I met my freshman year who told me he is gay. We developed a relationship and decided to room together this year. Friends at school know I’m gay, but I have not told my parents. Nor have I told them that my roommate is gay. They are conservative Christians, and I don’t know how they will deal with this news. Do I have to tell my parents that I’m gay? I suppose someday it will be necessary to tell my parents about my gay identity, but I’m not ready yet. What do you suggest?
Frank answers: No. You don’t have to tell your parents that you’re gay or that you’re living with another gay guy. I assume you’re over 18-years old. So, you’re not a minor. You’re an adult responsible for your own life. It’s not surprising that as a gay man on the verge of “coming out” you met up with another gay man in college and developed a relationship—undoubtedly your first one.
You haven’t told your parents about your new friend. They don’t need to know about your sex life either — even if they know your sexual self-identity. Most adult children don’t share that information with their parents (just as parents don’t share about their sex life with their children).
But I wonder if your parents have any hunches about your sexuality. When our sons came out to my wife and me, it wasn’t a surprise as much as an “aha!” moment. Now some things about each of our boys made sense to us. I also wonder what your relationship to your parents has been like over the years. Have they been loving and supportive parents? That’s something you’ll have to assess. The chances are that if they have been loving and supportive to you, their son, they will probably also be loving and supportive to their gay son. The parent-child relationship is pretty strong throughout our human lives. But it may take them a while to decide how to accept your self-identity and come to terms with it.
Their conservative Christian faith seems to be an issue that holds you back from coming out to them. Faith and tradition are deeply rooted in people. What have they been taught in their church? What have you heard them say about homosexuality or gay people in ordinary conversation? Do they know any gay people? What do they think about those people? Knowing gay people has been a leading way for people to open up to accepting the reality of having gay children.
You said that someday it might be necessary to tell your parents that you identify as gay. How far off is that “someday?” I suppose your roommate will meet your parents at some point. Maybe they already have if they brought you back to the campus. Has your roommate come out to his parents? If he has, what was his experience like? You hint that you’ve already had some intimate experiences. If you ever bring your roommate home, or visit his family, how will you express your intimate relationship when you are visiting in each other’s parents’ home? For example, will you be sleeping together?
Let me advise you that any conversation between you and your parents about your sexuaity should be just within the family. Don’t include your boyfriend in the discussion. Hopefully, when the time comes the discussion will be at your initiative, not because your parents ask about your relationship with your boyfriend. It should also be at a time and place when you can give the topic your undivided attention. Not, for example, at some social event when your bombshell announcement will derail the event.
I can’t imagine the difficulty of coming out to your parents, even if they are loving and supportive. And you need to realize that if it will be difficult for you to break the news to them, the news will be equally difficult for them to hear. You say you knew you were gay already in high school but came out in college. This is not uncommon. Perhaps this delay was because you didn’t want to admit to yourself that you are gay. Look at how long it took you to accept this reality yourself. You can’t expect your parents to adjust to the news that their son is gay the moment you tell them. They haven’t had the experience of gay relationships in their own lives. They will wonder what having a gay relationship is like.
You might also ask yourself: Is your relationship with your roommate like that of any other roommates or does being in a gay relationship change the dynamics? How long do you expect this relationship to last? I had the same roommate for three years in college and then for two years in seminary. Later we were best man at each other’s weddings. But our friendship had no sexual aspect. We were very straight. What are the expectations you have about your relationship? Is it an exclusive monogamous commitment? You guys are probably late teens or early twenties. Will you want to explore the gay scene? Will you allow each other interactions with other gay students you meet on campus? Or will jealousy arise? I’m sure there are gay parties on campus and off campus.
As for your parents, they may actually react better than you think. After all, we live in a society that has become more accepting of homosexuals. But it will still take time for them to adjust to the idea. They will probably pepper you with questions. Your best approach will be speaking honestly about yourself and your feelings. And express your love to your parents. If and when such a conversation occurs, I hope it will end with a hug. But be aware that that’s only the beginning. Your parents will have questions and they will have to renegotiate their relationship with you and they may be awkward about it. Be patient with them.
Best wishes.
Pastor Frank
