It’s not surprising that I received several questions about masturbation during the years of the COVID pandemic. Solo sex was promoted by health agencies like the Mayo Clinic as a safe form of sex. For many it was the only form of sex available during the time of social quarantining.

Since all men and women masturbate from an early age, you would think that it would not cause problems. Its such a natural thing to do. Yet we still have the residue of eighteenth and nineteenth century science and medicine that treated masturbation as a disease, calling it “Onanism,” after the biblical figure Onan, the second son of Judah, who was stoned to death for not fulfilling the Levirate law of providing a descendent for his deceased brother by impregnating his sister-in-law (Genesis 38). At the last second of coitus he withdrew and spilled his seed. But his sin was coitus interruptus, not masturbation. Since his act was intentional he probably did not want an heir for his brother. But “Onanism” has nothing to do with masturbation. In fact, the Bible says nothing about masturbation. Condemnation of this practice is based on other considerations, including philosophy, theology, social norms, and culture.

Today medical science and psychology no longer treat masturbation as a disease. In fact, it is considered a healthy release of sexual desire and tension. But body issues are not just biological. The biological body, that needs to expel excess semen (in nocturnal emissions if not in manual ejaculation), interacts with its environment (e.g. issues of privacy). It experiences sensations (e.g., orgasm). It is sometimes condemned by social norms (e.g., religious teaching). And it is subject to cultural expectations (e.g., no masturbating after marriage). So all sorts of issues are raised about masturbation at different stages in one’s life.

The strictures on masturbation can make one neurotic and cause a mental or spiritual crisis. This often happens to boys who grow up in Catholic families, since the Catholic Church regards masturbation as “disordered sex” (that is, it doesn’t lead to procreation). One middle age man wrote to me about the trauma of his first ejaculation:

At age 13, I experienced my first ejaculation. My father had never discussed puberty with me or what changes I was going to experience. It scared me. I seemed to have a complete emotional change that day. I was never the same again. I began to suffer from anxiety and depression. I often thought about ending my life. Whenever something went wrong or I had a bad day, I REALLY thought about ending my life. 

It’s sad that so many adolescents had these kinds of experiences and had no one to talk to about them. Even as boys reach adulthood, issues related to masturbation remain. Here are eight issues about masturbation for which I gave brief answers on the old blog. I gather them here because questions are often asked that other people were also pondering.

• catching your 13-year old son masturbating to porn
• dealing with a college roommate who jerks off in front of you while watching porn
• masturbating without porn
• pondering how often one should ejaculate
• whether masturbation can become addictive
• Considering the use of sex toys
• masturbating with a buddy with his wife’s approval
• and, finally (a new practice), masturbating mindfully

Let me emphasize that these questions were sincerely asked, and I answered them in that spirit. I also forewarn readers that there are some images illustrating the articles that could be considered pornographic. I don’t know how that could be avoided given the topics. If you wonder how I’ve learned suggestions offered in these questions, it is through reading and attending some group sexuality sessions with my physical trainer. Since sex is so fundamental to our lives, it doesn’t hurt to learn somethings about it.

The Father-Son Talk

June 8, 2021

Question:

Dear Pastor Frank: My wife walked into our thirteen-year old son’s bedroom and interrupted him masturbating with his computer screen open in front of him. She quickly retreated as he closed the screen. She assumes he was looking at porn. She informed me of this encounter and suggested that perhaps it is time for me to have “The Talk” with my son. I see from your blog that you are open about discussing masturbation and pornography. Do you have any suggestions for how I might approach my son about these issues?

Dear Dad,

My father never had “the talk” with me and perhaps your father didn’t have “the talk” with you either. We didn’t discuss our early experiences of ejaculation and orgasm with our parents, even though it was both scary and pleasureable. But it’s time to break the tradition of silence around sexual issues such as masturbation, and pornography also. If you have “the talk” with your son it will not be easy for either of you. He will suspect that his mother saw what he was doing and told you about it and will be embarrassed. But this situation could be the ice breaker to begin the conversation.

You should ask to see him in his room, since it’s his private space within the household. Sit down on his bed and just tell him that his mother is sorry that she interrupted him and that his parents weren’t aware that he had discovered masturbation. Admit to him, “My God, you’ve reached puberty and we should have paid more attention to the changes taking place in your body.” But also affirm that he’s of an age when all boys discover this pleasurable exertion with their penis, and the family members will have to adjust by knocking before coming into his room to respect his privacy.

If you had a personal experience of being discovered while “jerking off” (use the colloquial term also), tell him about it. This lets him know that you also masturbated when you were a kid and you can identify with his embarrassment. You might ask him if he has any questions about what he has been experiencing physically. Point out that sometimes when we’re just getting started with masturbation the mystery of sex can be scary as well as pleasurable because at first we don’t know what’s happening down there.

If he has questions, answer them as honestly as you can. If he doesn’t have questions, tell him that if questions come to him, he should feel free to ask them. It’s not necessary at this point to give a sex education talk. Too much information can be overwhelming. He’s already overwhelmed that you’re openly talking with him about his secret sex. You might cover a few practical issues, like the cum squirts all over the place (which he may have already experienced) and he should try to keep it contained. He could keep a box of Kleenexes or a roll of toilet paper under his bed so he can wipe off his hands and other body parts and squeeze the residue out of his penis.

As for the chat about porn, your wife assumed that’s what your son was watching. I wouldn’t accuse him of that. But you might tell him that you’d also like to have a discussion with him about the use of pornography. Admit to him that you didn’t have the internet to supply you with porn when you were his age (if you didn’t), but that boys were not lacking it in girly magazines that they used for the same purpose as those who look at internet porn: to masturbate. (That may whet his appetite to hear more.)

Your son has to realize that what he’s watching may not be real (unless its in chat rooms, which he shouldn’t be entering). It’s entertainment, and our own sexual practices may not be that acrobatic, just like we probably wouldn’t be able to do the things done in action films. Point out that there are good reasons why age limits are placed on entering porn sites. Young teens may not be mature enough for pornographic sex, just as they aren’t mature enough for actual sex. There’s some kinky and nasty stuff on the internet that we shouldn’t get into. The internet can be a dangerous place. There are bound to be pop up ads, and it would not be safe for your son to click on those ads.

Point out that we often fantasize when we are masturbating. Fantasizing is a creative mental activity. We do it all the time, and not just about sex. We don’t need stimulating images in order to fantasize. We should also just enjoy our bodies and the pleasures we experience when we touch ourselves all over. Encourage him to explore his body and experiment with different ways of reaching orgasm (use the word).

If you are a religious family, I would tell your son that we should be thankful for the gift of our body and its sexuality. We should honor the bodies God has created. If he’s interested in looking at beautiful bodies, introduce him to great works of nude art. (I’m serious!) There’s nothing shameful about the nude body and your son should not be ashamed of his body.

These are my thoughts about how to proceed. The main thing is that you want to be able to keep open channels of communication with your son as he grows into the complexities of the later teenage years. Maybe a good discussion about sex will open the possibilities for good conversation about other topics. I hope it works for you and your son.

Pastor Frank

Nude Roommate Masturbates to Porn

April 25, 2021

Question: I am 18 and just moved into the dormitory. My roommate is open about nudity and he seldom wears anything when in the room. One morning I woke up and he was jerking off on porn on his bunk. I felt a bit embarrassed but on the other hand I felt aroused. What should I do?

Frank answers: Dear college freshman,

If you’ve not lived in a dorm before, you’ll find that it is a unique experience. At age 18 you are undoubtedly away from home for the first time and now you need to develop a relationship with a guy you didn’t know previously and in a tight living space. You say you were embarrassed by the fact that he masturbated while watching porn while you are present in the next bunk. You also may not be used to someone who enjoys nudity.

First, let’s deal with the fact that your roommate is uninhibited about being nude. The degree to which domestic nudity is accepted differs from one family to another. You are under no obligation to join him in his preference to be unclothed. But I think it’s not possible to be living in close quarters with someone and not see each other naked at some point. I mean, you change clothes and take a shower every day and your roommate is likely to be in the room. Even in the 1960s when I lived in dorms, some roommates were more modest than others; some seemed to have no modesty at all and would just walk around naked. You will have to figure out to what degree you want to be nude in the room and the two of you will have to accept each other’s preferences.

Second, there is the issue of masturbation. All men do it, and young men do it a lot. I assume you do also. But you’ve probably not seen someone else do it. Again, in close quarters it’s hard to be coy about this. Even if he were jerking off under the covers you would still know what he’s doing. What do you do when you want to jerk off if you don’t want to be seen by your roommate?

There’s a lot of tension to being away from home in college during a pandemic. Masturbation is a form of safe sex that is also tension-relieving and helps one to sleep better at night. One could even regard it as therapeutic in our present pandemic situation. It’s been recommended by health authorities like Mayo Clinic and the New York City Health Department.

You could have a discussion with your roommate about this. For example, you could work out an arrangement where one leaves the room when the other has an urge to relieve himself. You could also just ignore him when he is doing it, perhaps by rolling over in your bed so you are not facing him, or burying yourself in a book (as if you would be able to concentrate with your roommate jerking off!). A degree of tolerance would be the best recommendation for getting along.

Most young people also watch porn. That should be considered private viewing unless you want to share something on the screen with each other. You are under no obligation to view porn with him. Guys have probably always jerked off to porn in whatever media it was accessible. Back in my college dorm days we had Playboy and other girlie magazines. I think focusing on the screen results in poor orgasms because your energy follows your attention. It leads to a rushed attempt to relieve horniness, which doesn’t help with a true intimate relationship with a woman.

You said that your roommate’s behavior embarrassed you, but you were also aroused. What aroused you? The sight of him masturbating or the porn he was watching or your roommate’s nude body? All three together could be a powerful arousal combination.

Waking up in the morning you’re likely to have a morning erection, which most boys and young men feel an urge to touch. If you wake up and your roommate is jerking off, what would you think about joining him in that activity? My guess is that he wouldn’t object. A lot of boys and young men have had the experience of masturbating together. It’s not necessarily a gay thing, if that would concern you. It’s a guy thing. You also are under no obligation to masturbate.

Best of luck in navigating these issues with your roommate and getting to know him better. I hope you have a successful term in college. If you have further questions, please ask.

Pastor Frank

Masturbating Without Porn

May 1, 2021

Pastor Frank, a lot of men masturbate while watching porn. You told the college freshman (in the previous post) that that results in poor orgasms. Could you explain that?

Sure. When having sex (whether solo or with a partner), you don’t want to be fantasizing, because then you’re in your head. You want to be present to your own body or your partner’s body. Let me fill you in on a little secret I learned from my physical trainer (who has a Master of Science in Applied Physiology) when I attended a couple of workshops on men’s sexual energy that he offered. The main thing he taught is that your energy goes where your attention is. That includes your sexual energy. If your attention is focused on the computer screen while you masturbate, your sexual energy goes into the screen. Your fantasies are guided by what the screen images furnish rather than what arises in your own mind.

What happens for most of us when we look at porn is that horny rises and we rush to relieve the pressure. Horny is like hunger… we are hungry and we eat. What’s not so well understood is that horniness just like hunger can be cultivated to bring us into higher states of awareness. (That’s why fasting is a spiritual discipline.) This profound shift in energy can awaken latent gifts of perception and heightened states of awareness. Learning to honor sexual energy and the horny feeling can lead to similar results.

In addition, when we choose to work with sexual energy consciously we escape the patterns of repression some of us have been exposed to and we also learn to stand in our own integrity in the face of overly permissive influences in our culture. Bringing the expression of our sexual energy into alignment with our will can leave us feeling a level of empowerment which can cascade into many areas of our lives where we need to be thinking clearly, focused on a project, and comfortable in our own skin. Also working with sexual energy consciously can lead to deeper connections with our partner and a powerful re-sensitization to our own bodies.

If you forget about the porn and give your attention to your body, by touching and rubbing it all over, and taking your time with ejaculation while you imagine what you would like being done to you, you will have a much more satisfying orgasm than by watching what somebody else is doing on the screen.

Here are some suggestions my physical trainer gave to a group of men: hold off on masturbating for a day or two or even a week. Prepare your body by awakening it physically and sensually. Physically, you can bounce up and down, swinging your arms freely, undulating your pelvis, and bouncing your penis. Vigorous movement will get your blood flowing throughout your body and into your penis.

Then lay down and continue to focus on your body by touching yourself all over (a self-massage) the way you would like to be touched by that woman in your bed: your nipples, pecs, abdomen, pelvis, balls, penis tip, buttocks, anus, thighs, etc. While touching your body try edging: slowly rub your penis with your free hand to the point of ejaculation, then back off, use both hands to rub your body, and return to rubbing your penis again, maybe backing off several times, until you’re ready to explode. When you’re ready to ejaculate, continue focusing on your body and the sensations that are arising.

If you feel self-conscious about doing this even in private, let me share this with you. Back in 1899, the psychologist Havelock Ellis invented the term “autoeroticism.” He defined it as the whole complex of sexual emotions “generated by the absence of external stimulus, proceeding directly or indirectly from another person.” In fact, he regarded autoeroticism as the core of sexuality. Animals touch themselves. Babies touch themselves. Boys and girls touch themselves. It might lead to masturbation. With young men this is almost certainly the case. But it doesn’t have to. Self-touch can be a way of satisfying the body’s need for touch by giving oneself a massage, as far as your hands can reach. Self-touch is a way of affirming our body. Self-massage can provide the stimulation of the circulation of blood and fluids and the loosening of muscles and tissues that any massage provides. To arouse sexual energy, focus on your own body, not on the screen.

Finally, let me share this piece of information. After 2006/2007, when pornographic videos became ubiquitous on computers, smartphones, and tablets, surveys indicated that rates of erectile dysfunction among men under forty rose from a previously stable base of 1% to anywhere between 14& and 37%, depending on the survey. It’s one thing to produce a quick erection and ejaculation when aroused by a pornographic video. It’s another thing to be able to sustain an erection to have sex with a real person. That usually takes a lot longer. And if it doesn’t, the man’s quick ejaculation usually doesn’t help to bring the woman to orgasm. What might be satisfying to the man is not satisfying to the woman. That’s a serious issue to think about.

Pastor Frank

To Ejaculate or Not to Ejaculate; That is the Question

August 1, 2020

Question: I’ve been reading online about the benefits of frequent masturbation, since I do it a lot. There are studies that suggest that frequent masturbation (21+ days per month) can reduce the risk of prostate cancer. But there are also articles that claim that by masturbating frequently you actually lower your sexual energy. Do you know about these conflicting claims and do you have any words of wisdom about them?

Answer: As a matter of fact, I am aware of the major study about the relationship of ejaculation (not only by masturbation) to prostate cancer, and I also know of Chinese/Tibetan/Indian ideas about the value of semen retention. I am not an authority on either, but I have an interest in both. I am a colon cancer survivor since 2006 and the causes of cancer, especially in the lower part of the body, became matters of interest to me. I am also a yogi and have studied Indian yoga philosophy, Tibetan Tantra’s interest in managing the body’s energy (pranayama), and related theories of the body’s energy in Taoism (chi).  

The major study is reported in an article by Michael Leitzmann and colleagues in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 2004, titled “Ejaculation frequency and risk of prostate cancer.” The data and this report have since been analyzed and discussed in other journal articles. Leitzman et al. reported on a study of over 29,000 male health professionals whose health was followed for a period of 18 years. The data collected included the question of frequency of ejaculation. Several thousand reported incidents of prostrate cancer at the end of the study. By comparing the frequency of ejaculation all the men in the study had reported, the Leitzmann report concluded that high ejaculation frequency was associated with a lower incidence of prostate cancer. Averaged across a lifetime, those men with higher frequency of ejaculation (21 or more times per month) lowered by 33% the risk of developing prostate cancer. Those with a lower frequency of ejaculation (4 to 7 times per month) lowered the risk by 11%. So the headlines in the news feed proclaim that frequent ejaculation reduces prostate cancer risk. It’s a remedy many are happy to undertake.

But before you get too excited, let me note several problems with this study. It does not distinguish between types of ejaculation (masturbation, sexual intercourse, or wet dreams). Also, the subjects self-reported. A problem with many self-reported studies is that subjects are asked to remember things that occurred over a period of years. Most importantly, the study of health professionals was a select group (cohort) who might be more concerned about leading a healthy life than the average man. So this was not a study of the general male population.

Moreover, the problem with cancer is that it’s hard to pinpoint the cause. We all have cancer cells in the body. What factors cause them to metastasize?  In my family my father had rectal cancer, a sister had breast cancer, my brother had pelvic cancer, and I had colon cancer. In my case it looks like genes were a major cause. Genetics can also be associated with prostate cancer. Life style choices (e.g. alcohol, smoking, diet, drugs) and quality of environment (like working conditions) can also be contributing factors to various cancers.

The correlation between frequency of ejaculation and prostate cancer should concern all men, but especially older men who ejaculate less frequently since incidents of prostrate cancer usually occur most frequently in older men.

Prostate massage (also known as “prostate milking”) was adopted in the late 19th century as a medical procedure to address such conditions as enlarged prostate, prostate inflammation, difficulty in urinating, and erectile dysfunction. An examination of the prostate requires inserting the finger into the anus to feel the prostate glands. Relief is provided by massaging the glands, resulting in the expulsion of seminal fluid. General family medical practitioners used to do this, but don’t any more. Prostate massage might be done by a urologist, who will check out your prostate anyway if you go in for an exam.

Prostate massage was adopted as a therapeutic technique by the Royal Institute of Massage at Stockholm at the beginning of the 20th century. But because feeling the prostate is associated with anal sex (which, in fact, it is!), I would be cautious in asking an American licensed massage therapist (LMT) about prostate milking unless you know that LMT pretty well because, ethically, it’s a “touchy” subject. That’s too bad because prostate massage for routine maintenance could probably help a lot of men. But the LMT needs to know what he’s doing and use lots of lotion.

The bottom line is that frequent ejaculation is associated with less risk of prostate cancer. But why that is the case remains a matter of speculation, not scientific study. Frequent ejaculation is no guarantee of not getting prostrate cancer, nor is infrequent ejaculation a guarantee of getting prostate cancer, since cancer can be caused by various factors.

And now about Asian practices of semen retention.

Why practice semen retention? In practical-minded Taoism, it was to have better sex! As strange as it may sound, semen retention improves your sex life. One of the common issues men have is premature ejaculation in intercourse. Sexual gratification usually takes longer for a woman to achieve. If a man is able to maintain sexual arousal for as long as he desires, it not only allows the woman to reach climax, it heightens the climaxes for both when they come to orgasm together.

There are techniques that can be learned to do this, but they all involve retaining the semen. In medieval Tantra the techniques enabled adepts to have orgasms without ejaculation, thus conserving the body’s energy. The practices were esoteric and ritualized and required initiation. In Taoism the techniques are more ordinary, such as moving toward the edge and then pulling back. The point is to hold back orgasm while in coitus until you sense that your partner is coming.

In non-western medical traditions such as Indian Ayurveda, Chinese or Tibetan medicine, it is widely believed that retention of semen is a source of health, strength, vitality, and general well-being. We can know in our own bodies the drain of energy that is felt after orgasm. We often have sex or masturbate in bed at night precisely so we can fall asleep afterward. If it was an intense sex session we are spent. Orgasm depletes enormous energy from the endocrine and nervous systems, leaving the body weak and lethargic until the energies are gradually created again. The ancient Chinese had this all figured out. I recommend The Tao of Health, Sex, and Longevity: A Modern Practical Guide to the Ancient Way by Daniel P. Reid (New York: Touchstone, 1989), Part II: The Tao of Sex, especially Chapter 7: Ejaculation Control (pp. 254-72).

Ancient Greek physicians and philosophers such as Pythagoras, Hippocrates, Galen, and Aristotle were horrified by the waste of semen. In their view semen should be retained for procreation. As philosophers, they were also concerned about how the saved energy in the body should be used in a productive life. This was all before Christianity came along and embraced similar ideas, although unfortunately Catholicism enforced them as moral law through the confessional rather than as wisdom for life.

Paying attention to the body’s wisdom is always important. It is commonly known among athletes and martial artists that avoiding sex, including masturbation, before a competition or a game gives you more energy for the event since expelling  the sexual energy results in a depletion of strength and concentration.

Even young couples who have sex frequently will improve their experience by taking a night off once in a while to replenish their sexual energy. This also applies to masturbation. If you give it an occasional rest you can build up energy for a bigger orgasm, maybe at a time when you really need it or would enjoy it more. Moreover, don’t masturbate while watching porn. Your energy goes where your attention is. If your attention is on the porn your energy will go into the computer screen. If you want it to go into your body, focus on your body. That’s where your sexual energy is and that’s where your attention should go.

Frank

Can Masturbation Become Addictive?

August 20, 2020

Question: Thanks for answering my question about if one can ejaculate too much. My follow-up question is whether one can become addicted to masturbation. I masturbate a lot—almost daily for the past seven years since I began doing it at age thirteen. I’ve read some stuff online that says masturbation can become addictive. Do you think it’s possible to become addicted to masturbation?

Frank answers: So, from your timetable, it would seem that you are a twenty-year old wondering if you should back off the frequency of teenage masturbation. There’s some disagreement among psychologists about whether masturbation can really be considered an addiction like addictions to alcohol, drugs, tobacco, porn, or even sex (with partners). Unlike these other addictions, masturbation does no harm to the body or to relationships (unless you prefer satisfying yourself more than your sexual partner). So if masturbation is considered an addiction it would be for psychological rather than physical reasons.

People masturbate because it is a safe form of sex that gives pleasure and releases tension in the body. These are biochemical reactions. Masturbation releases the chemical dopamine into the body, which is associated with pleasure. This makes you feel better and puts you in a good mood after you’ve had sex. In addition, the hormone oxytocin is released during orgasm (usually with ejaculation in men) and lowers cortisol levels. Cortisol is a main stress hormone, and is usually present in high levels in stressed out people. Touching your genitals and coming to a climax can boost dopamine and oxytocins and help you feel more relaxed. Masturbation or any sex at night will also help you sleep better because you are more relaxed in mind and body.

I think there is a correlation between stress and the urge to masturbate, especially in teenagers. Hormones in teens are ragging, and teens are under a lot of stress from school (learning, conflicts, relationships, etc.). It’s not surprising that teens masturbate daily, maybe even twice a day. The same psychological pressures are present when a young person goes off to college or begins a job. At the present time there is undoubtedly a lot of stress building up in our bodies due to dealing daily with the COVID-19 threat. Under these conditions masturbation can function as a release valve and bring a sense of calm and peace to the mind and body. It’s a safer way to relieve the body and mind of stress than using addictive substances or engaging in aggressive behavior. Mayo Clinic even recommends it as the safest form of sex during the COVID-19 pandemic. So it comes highly recommended by the health experts.

The body itself shows its need for rest after sex. There is what’s called a refractory period after sex during which time the penis can’t get erect. We have probably all had this experience. For teens it could be a matter of minutes. But as you get older the period may last hours and even days. Experiment on yourself. After you’ve masturbated, how long does it take before you have an arousal and a solid hard erection? That hormone Oxytocin which is released in ejaculation is the main driver of the refactory period. If you masturbate daily you’re building up higher levels of oxytocin in your body that may affect the length of each refractory period. Boys and men who try to push through anyway will be functioning with sub-optimal energy levels. Periodic abstention for at least three days would allow the body to recover physiologically and give you better orgasm and sex the next time.

Having said all this, there is a value in giving it a rest. What you can do about masturbation that you can’t do with other addictions is just stop doing it. I don’t mean stop forever, but for a day or two or three or even a week. One of the reasons given in Asian (Chinese, Indian) cultures for semen retention, that you reference, is to use the body’s built up energy for other purposes. They believe that loss of semen means loss of the life force. There’s no doubt that ejaculation drains a man of energy. Some men who have engaged in periodic abstention from ejaculation report a sharper energy directed to other tasks and even to thinking. Maybe this is why primitive societies connected the brain with the penis.

A century ago health professionals were trying to ween boys off of masturbation (which they did think was addictive!) by engaging them in sports or exercise. We know that adults today still engage in physical exercise or sports to relieve tensions from work or home. Those who are involved in creative projects that require intense concentration are usually not thinking about sex at that moment. In these activities the body’s energy is being channeled in other directions. Test yourself to see how long you can resist the urge. There can be benefits to periodic abstinence. At least the next time you masturbate you will have a bigger and better orgasm. Read about the wisdom from the East on this matter in the previous question and answer.

Frank

Is it morally okay for a single gay Christian to use sex toys?

June 10, 2020

I’ve enjoyed your blog and had a question so I thought, why not? I’ll get right to it:

Question: I am a single gay Christian man, a young adult, and am wondering what you think about using sex toys for masturbation. Part of me feels intrigued and curious about using them but another part of me feels that they are unnatural, hedonistic and indulgent. Will they be addictive and make me incapable of or less desirous of a relationship with another man or are they more harmless than I think? I am unsure how to determine whether their use is something morally/theologically sound and whether my desire for exploration in this area is something good or errs more on the side of sin.

I find it difficult to cultivate a God-honoring relationship with my sexuality when there are many loud and, in my opinion, extreme voices in the secular world and at times in the theological academy on matters of human sexuality. I am suspicious of progressive Christianity’s overly positive view of sex but also reject the Catholic Church’s rigid and harmful teachings on it (e.g. homosexuality, sex only for procreation). My uncertainty on a question like this stems from the above tension.

Thanks for reading.

Frank answers: It would be interesting to have a conversation on your theological location between progressive and traditional Christianity. A church that welcomes and affirms you as a gay Christian would have to be somewhat progressive, because the majority of churches wouldn’t.

First of all, I would say that Christianity should have a positive view of sex because it is part of God’s creation, which God pronounced very good. But many of our attitudes about sexual practices are socially normed and culturally conditioned, and Christians have bought into these views thinking that they are biblical. For example, the idea that sex sould be limited to procreation comes Plato’s Laws and the Stoics, not from the Bible. But many of the church fathers, including Augustine of Hippo, were neo-Platonists. The Bible says nothing about masturbation but the Catholic Church regarded any spilling of the seed not intended for conception as sinful (although venial, not grave). Nineteenth century science tried mightily to suppress childhood masturbation and attributed to it such conditions as obsessive-compulsive behavior, nearsightedness, and pimples. So much for science! Now, of course, we’re taught that it’s completely natural and a safe sexual release.

Protestantism has had a more positive view of sex than Catholicism because of its protest against enforced celibacy and emphasis on marriage and family as Christian callings. Did you know that there are Christian sex toy stores owned by evangelical Christians or that evangelical women have Christian sex toy parties? These people are not “progressive Christians,” especially when it comes to abortion or homosexuality. But Evangelicals are into promoting satisfying Christian marriages and they apparently think that sex can be enhanced with the use of sex toys. Women especially are very interested in using dildos, vibrators, rubber penises and other sex enhancement equipment.

I know gay men use sex toys too, but so do straight men, especially during this pandemic. Since the claim is that these devices enhance actual sex, I guess the test is if the sex is better after using them. Does it produce a more powerful orgasm?

I’ve never used a sex toy and don’t really have a desire to do so. The sex I’ve enjoyed has been with my wife for 40-some years. But I admit that I did my share of masturbating before I got married, and occasionally within marriage. (Married couples might engage in mutual masturbation during pregnancy and the post-partem period.)

What I’ve learned about sex is that it is physical, emotional, and spiritual. Our sexual desire is a biological urge (certainly useful for procreation). It is a way of expressing intimacy with someone you love. And in the act of orgasm there is a kind of mystical union in which you lose control of yourself and become one with the other. Can some of these same attributes apply to masturbation? I think they can.

Masturbation is usually self-pleasuring, but not entirely. Sometimes there is a helping hand. So one might think that using a sex toy is just an extension of both—self-pleasuring but also a helping device. But I wouldn’t use a device while making love with someone else. So why would I use one when making love to myself? I wouldn’t put using a device in the category of a sin. But I would say that it can’t compare with the real experience.

Using a device could be like using porn. You are focusing on the toy or the image on the screen and therefore diverting attention from your body. How much better it is to build up to orgasm by focusing exclusively on your body, touching and rubbing it all over, pleasuring yourself the way you might want someone else to pleasure you. (Use fantasy.) The body has plenty of erogenous zones, not only in the genitals. Become intimate with yourself. Love your body, You might even want to anoint your body with oil, including your genitals. Rub it in. As you rub your hands all over your body, twist and turn and arch your back as you do so. Build up to ejaculation slowly so that when it comes you feel it all over your body and you lose yourself in the sensations that take over your body.

Then just lay there allowing your body to absorb the powerful experience you have had—and give thanks to the Lord who created you with your marvelous gift of sexuality. I would wager that such auto-eroticism can be a more sensual experience than playing with a sex toy.

Pastor Frank

Man Masturbates With Buddy With Wife’s Approval

May 21, 2021

During the pandemic, sex has slowed down with me and my wife. She hit menopause mid-pandemic. I masturbate regularly, and she is fine with it. I also have masturbated occasionally with another male friend, just for fun. My spouse is fine with it, just thinks we are silly. But I wonder if that is a sin. And then the guilt takes over. I have enough guilt masturbating solo, but now with a friend? It gets bad. Even though my wife just laughs it off. What do you think of it?

Frank answers: I don’t think masturbation in and of itself is a sin. There’s nothing about it in the Bible. Masturbation has sometimes been called Onanism, with reference to Onan spilling his seed in Genesis 38. But the sin of Onan had nothing to do with masturbation. His sexual act was coitus interruptus so that he wouldn’t have to fulfill the Levirate law and provide offspring for his deceased brother by impregnating his sister-in-law. For purposely not doing his duty toward his dead brother, as required in the Law, he was stoned to death.

The sin involved with most sexual acts has to do with relationships, not with sexual practices and techniques. Many men think they have to cease masturbating when they’re married. But your wife seems to be okay with you masturbating while she is “indisposed.” She even laughs off your scruples. She doesn’t want you feeling guilty about masturbating when she can’t have sex. It’s not adultery to masturbate, like consorting with prostitutes or having a mistress on the side (although some wives have tolerated their husband’s sexual dalliances).

Masturbating when married actually happens a lot. For example, during pregnancies and after child birth, as well as during menopause, men might practice solo sex simply because they need a sexual release that their wife can’t provide. The wife might be willing to help the husband “get off” when she isn’t up for sex by masturbating him. Marital sex would resume when she is ready. And on occasions when the husband isn’t ready, he might help his wife achieve orgasm by masturbating her.

Masturbating with a buddy would stretch the marital relationship for a lot of couples. Adolescent boys often masturbate together, and even in groups, when they are exploring their sexuality. Buddies have been known to do this even in adulthood, although usually before marriage. In recent years, however, men’s circle jerks have increased among both gay and straight men.

You say your wife just thinks it’s “silly,” which suggests she doesn’t take your buddy-buddy masturbation seriously. It’s probably not easy for you to explain your desire to do this. You need to come to terms with your own reason for doing this. What need is being met by masturbating with a buddy? Masturbation is a release of sexual tension, and perhaps doing it with someone else heightens the intensity of the ejaculation (and maybe also helps to overcome inhibitions).

You don’t say whether your male friend is gay or straight. It shouldn’t matter as long as it doesn’t lead to an entangling relationship such as a bromance, which is a close relationship between two men that goes beyond ordinary friendship because of its strong bonds of emotional intimacy. But if the male friendship doesn’t lead you away from your wife, there’s nothing wrong with intimate male friendships. Women often have their own intimate female friendships. Men also need buddies with whom to share intimate details of their lives. Men can understand and sympathize with one another better than women can understand and sympathize with men (and visa versa). Some buddy relationships from youth last into adulthood and even when one or both buddies are married.

The important thing is to be open with your wife about your friendships and activities. You seem to have her permission for you to have a jerk-off buddy, just as you have her permission to masturbate alone to satisfy your sexual needs. That’s nice for you. But I would also recommend being intimate with your wife in ways that are acceptable to her, including kissing, hugging, cuddling in bed at night, being naked with her if she is comfortable with that. You should show her that you are still committed to her as your wife and help her to feel better about herself. Hopefully her menopause will end along with the pandemic.

Pastor Frank

 

Masturbating Mindfully

March 22, 2022

Question. I’ve heard about meditating while masturbating. Is this possible? What would be the benefit?

Yes, it is possible to meditate not so much while masturbating but meditating on masturbation. More commonly this is called mindfulness masturbation or masturbating mindfully. It’s not surprising that this developed during the pandemic since solo sex was recommended by the health authorities in lieu of having close sex with a partner. Even books were published on mindful masturbation.

One would think that masturbation and meditation give the body-mind opposite experiences. In masturbation the body-mind is aroused. In meditation the body-mind calms down. Mindfulness masturbation has been recommended by sex experts as a way to improve one’s masturbation techniques while calming anxieties and relaxing the whole body.

The point of mindfulness meditation is to focus on or be present to one thing. This might be the breath or a candle or one’s body. It could very well be the act of self-pleasuring. The basic points of mindfulness meditation are:

• be more focused in the moment
• notice when your mind wanders
• bring your mind back to the present moment

Your mind finds it difficult to remain focused. If the focus of meditation is sensing the pleasuring of your whole body, it’s more likely that the sensual stimulation you are giving yourself will keep you focused.

It’s important to be present to your body. This mean that you are not masturbating while watching porn. If you are watching porn your focus is on what you see on the screen. In meditating on masturbation your attention is exclusively on your body.

This also means you should not let your mind wander in some fantasy, which often happens in masturbation. A wandering mind is not uncommon in meditation. Meditation can be brought back to the present by focusing on breathing. In this case, the mind must be brought back from fantasy to the body and what it is experiencing as you slowly stroke your genitals.

You should proceed slowly and deliberately. You might begin by slowly undressing and gently rubbing those parts of the body that are being released from the confines of clothing. Once you are totally naked, give yourself a mental body scan, moving slowly from head to toes. You could touch those parts of the body you are noticing and that are within reach. At this point avoid touching your genitals. As you go down the totality of your body, each side, you will finally circle in on the genitals. Touch your body lightly, perhaps making circles around the pelvic area and closing in on your sex organ. Men may already be getting an erection by this point. Breathe deeply and pull the root lock (squeezing your buttocks). Exhale and hold root lock. Then release root lock.

You may be able to prolong your erection by gently and slowly rubbing your penis upward on its underside. It would also be good to abstain from ejaculating for a day or two or even a week before engaging in mindful masturbation. By building up slowing and not rushing to the finish line, you will train your brain not to expect the instant gratification you may have made it used to. You will also train the penis to remain erect for a longer time. This would be of a great benefit when having sex with a partner.

Finally, it’s up to you whether you want to ejaculate or retain the energy you’ve built up during this meditation. If you decide to ejaculate, the tensing of your whole body should be followed by a total relaxation. As you lie on your bed or the floor reflect on what you have experienced and what you feel now in your body. Remember: you are staying present to the moment. You may even fall asleep. But when you wake up, resume your meditation from where you left off. You may conclude with an expression of gratitude for the gift of your sexuality.

Best wishes.

Frank